Dear Sex Witch: Body Image Woes
Q: Dear Sex Witch, my body image is getting in the way of me enjoying sex with my partner. They tell me I’m hot and beautiful all the time, but I just don’t believe them. When we are having sex, I’m in my head and can’t relax. Please help me.
Ah yes. If I could only tell you how much this comes up in my practice…This is one of the most common issues people come to an Intimacy Coach for. You get incredibly hung up on looking ‘desirable’, when in actuality, there is no one way to look sexy. In fact, all bodies are inherently sexy. If you are sexual, then you are sexy. I can hear you saying to yourself, ‘easier said than done, Justine.’ Fair enough. Let’s give you some actionable tips to try that might make things a bit easier, and help you get into your body, instead of judging it from the outside.
First, I suggest changing the media you ingest, especially social media. There are lots of fat, hot, sexual content creators that wear bikinis and lingerie, promote sex toys and talk about being fat, hot and sexy. Miss Giggles and Marielle Elizabeth TerHart are a great place to start. As a fat woman myself, I’ve found it incredibly empowering to see other big women love their bodies and live without shame. I’d go through your feed and remove all ‘thinspiration,’ and people who promote unattainable body standards.
Next, we need to approach sex not as a visual act, but as an act led by sensation and touch. You already know your partner finds you sexually attractive, so really, it’s you you need to convince. The first step in doing this is de-centering the way your body looks, and centering how your body feels. A great tool to start doing this is a blindfold. Put a blindfold on so you can’t see your body, and let your partner worship you. Every time you start worrying about what your body looks like, redirect your thoughts to what your body is feeling. Sink into the sensations you are feeling. What does your skin feel? What can you hear? What can you smell? Let yourself moan and release breath. Your partner can help by giving you praise that isn’t related to your physical appearance, like how good you taste and smell to them; how aroused you make them, etc. This is a mindfulness practice, and practicing mindfulness in other ways in your life can help you practice mindfulness in bed.
CW: Substance use.
This is not for my sober friends, but if you already indulge in cannabis use, using weed before you have sex can be an excellent way to get out of your head. Research shows that people who get high before they are intimate experience more pleasure, more orgasms, and stronger orgasms. This is theorized to be because cannabis use can connect us more to our bodily sensations; that’s why food or music is so good when we are high. Combining weed and a blindfold might be your winning combo.
Remember pleasure is a form of activism,
Miss Justine x
Justine is a sex educator & intimacy coach! If you have any questions about sex, sexuality, intimacy or are working through relationship difficulties, book a session with her at The Witch’s Therapist.
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