Dear Sex Witch: Rough Sex
Dear Sex Witch,
I wouldn’t consider my partner and I to be kinky, or into BDSM. We’ve never discussed those things. However, my partner and I like rough sex. My (male) partner is usually in control, and I call him Daddy in bed. He pins me down, pulls my hair, chokes me, and calls me a ‘good girl’. Lately, I’ve been feeling like my brain shuts off during sex, and things are just happening to me. I feel out of control. Sometimes I cry, not because it’s bad, but because it feels like a release. Is this normal?
Thank you for this amazing question, angel! First of all, everything you are experiencing is expected given the kind of sex you’re having. Feeling your brain shut off, emotional releases, and letting go of control, along with feelings of euphoria is what we call ‘subspace’. This happens to folks sometimes when they are in the more submissive role in sex. Now, while that’s totally okay to experience, this does mean that you are playing with kink dynamics, and that you are pretty vulnerable in your dynamic. I suggest you and your partner research some of the safety methods used in more formalized kink relationships. Before your partnered sex, in a non-sexual space, discuss some things like safe words; that he is regularly checking in on you during sex, and that he knows how to do the more dangerous play, like choking, safely. After sex, you should receive some aftercare. This means they get you a drink, wrap you in blankets, order you some food, and give you cuddles, if you want.
It sounds like you both enjoy a power dynamic! I suggest you open up a dialogue about kink, and do some research, because there might be a whole world out there of fun you both might enjoy!
***choking is a really dangerous form of play. We call this ‘edge play’ in the kink community, which means play that carries a heavy risk, in this case, of death. If you like choking or being choked, I recommend you book a Sex Education session with me so I can teach you how to choke more safely!
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Hi! I’m Justine Barre!
I’m the resident Sex Educator and Intimacy Coach here at The Witch’s Therapist. While sex education and intimacy coaching are not the same as sex therapy, I do operate under the same levels of confidentiliaty as the other practitioners, so your secrets are safe with me.
Additionally, I continue to work towards my AASECT certifcation, the highest standard for sex educators
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