Dear Sex Witch: Mismatched Libidos and Emasculation

Dear Sex Witch,

My partner's sex drive is significantly lower than mine and it's starting to cause issues in our relationship. I've brought it to his attention multiple times, as gently as I can, and he says I'm emasculating him and he then feels less inclined to initiate. I feel like I'm being punished and ENM is off the table.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel selfish for wanting to engage with him more sexually.

To be honest, Writer, mis-matched libidos are the number one reason people come to me for help. They are a common feature of most long-term relationships, and actually, pretty normal. If you think about it, it would be weird if we all felt the same amount of horny at the same time all the time. However, most couples don’t know how to deal with them, and mis-matched libidos can quickly become a cycle of guilt, pressure, low self-esteem, unmet needs, more pressure, and a cold distance you can’t seem to bridge. Typically when men have the lower libido, you can add a sprinkle of emasculation to top it all off. So, what can we do?

Honestly, dealing with this problem is more complex than I can handle in an advice column. But here are some things that you can start thinking about: 

Approach your partner with curiosity.

Low libido is often related to stress, repressed emotions, being over-worked, and not having room for calm, relaxed togetherness in the relationship. Ask him about his work level, his stress levels, his emotional needs. See if you can help him be curious about why his drive is low.

Create calm, intimate, connected time together. 

No kids. No work talk. No phones. Stay in bed Saturday morning and have coffee and cuddle. Go see a movie together and walk around the city at night holding hands. Watch something together and cuddle and talk about it without being on your phones. Connect without the expectation of sex.

Bring back physical touch that doesn’t have to lead to sex. 

Make out. Have lingering kisses in the kitchen. Hold hands. Have long, intimate hugs. Often we don’t want sex when we don’t feel satisfied with the sex we are having. Maybe there is something different your partner wants? Explore that possibility of other types of touch with an open mind.

So there are a few tips, but this topic is so nuanced its truely hard for me to offer more without knowing more. So connect with me below for an Intimacy Coaching session, so we can get your sex life back on track!

Book Your Appointment with The Witch’s Therapist Today

You can book a free, no-pressure 15-minute consultation with me to see if intimacy coaching is what you need to get your sex life back on track.

Book your session with me at The Witch’s Therapist today.

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London, Ontario
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► London Ontario Holistic Psychotherapy

The Witch's Therapist is located in London, Ontario and offers holistic psychotherapy therapy throughout London and surrounding areas.
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