The R.A.I.N. Method: Using Self-Compassion to Process Difficult Emotions

We’re often swept away by difficult emotions.

These can result from a wide variety of factors.

Trauma, abuse, marginalization, oppression, toxic parents, domestic violence, and societal conditioning, to name just a few.

These can trigger feelings of anger, shame, disgust, sadness, grief, fear, and anxiety.

In the face of such overwhelming emotions, it’s not always clear what to do with them.

I’m Kody Muncaster, PhD, a trauma therapist here at The Witch’s Therapist, a holistic therapy clinic in London, Ontario.

My area of focus is in abuse recovery, gender, sexuality, queerness, and spirituality.

My work is informed by my training in Zen Buddhism and mindfulness therapy, as well as my past intensive study of paganism.

Today on our blog, we’ll be exploring a practice for working with difficult emotions through self-compassion.

RELATED: Mindful Self-Compassion: Learning to Meet Yourself with Kindness

This is a practice we explore further in my book Queer Engaged Buddhism.

Let’s take a look.

Reframing Our Reactions: from Pain to Care

When we react to strong emotions rooted in trauma or oppression, it often comes from a place of hurt.

This can sometimes cause further damage.

The ‘re’ in reacting means that we are replaying familiar patterns, acting in the way that we always have.

There’s a different way to respond.

Underneath our difficult emotions lies a deep sense of care.

We react strongly because we really care about something.

That might be ourselves, someone else, or the state of the world.

Regardless of the source, that sense of care is something we can tap into and respond from.

Your Sixth Sense: Emotions

When we were children, we learned about the five senses in primary school.

But Buddhist psychology tells us there’s actually a sixth sense: emotions.

This is the sense of the heart-mind.

Emotions provide information, just like the five senses do.

Taste, for example, provides us with information about whether our food is healthy or rotten.

That’s important to have.

We wouldn’t want to shut off our taste buds, so why shut off emotions?

Why Do We Shut Our Emotions Down?

Often, we shut off our emotions because of introjection.

This is the adoption of other people’s beliefs or “shoulds” into our lives.

These beliefs can come from a parent or caregiver, an authority figure, or from society at large.

For example, many people take on the belief that men are not allowed to cry and that women are not allowed to feel angry.

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We also shut off our emotions because we may have learned that it was not safe to have emotions.

This often comes about when we have been around abusers for extended periods of time in our lives.

Many of us, too, are taught to feel overwhelming shame.

This can come from a variety of places: our parents, our schools, our cultures, religions, and television.

We might think that being abused was our fault, or that there is something wrong with us because of our gender or sexuality.

RELATED: LGBTQ2IA+ Affirming Therapy

Self-compassion can be a valuable antidote to this.

Self-Compassion, not Self-Esteem

Self-compassion involves 3 components.

First is mindfulness, which is awareness of the present moment.

Next is self-kindness, which is relating to oneself as we would a loved one in a difficult time.

Finally, there’s common humanity, which recognizes that beings all over the world are feeling similar emotions to us right now.

Self-compassion is different than self-esteem.

The self-esteem movement in the 1980s involved facilitators visiting schools to teach kids they are good enough because [insert quality here].

For example, they are good enough because they are good at math or volleyball.

While well-meaning, this tends to breed narcissism and a sense of grief when, for example, they get injured and can no longer play volleyball.

The sense of self becomes tied to something conditional.

Self-compassion is when we soothe ourselves during a difficult time, without depending on anything.

It can be very freeing to know that we have this ability to tap into the compassionate self.

It’s important to reach out to those around us for support.

If that’s not available, however, we can also use practices like R.A.I.N. to regulate our own nervous systems.

RELATED: Low Self-Esteem Therapy

The R.A.I.N Method for Processing Difficult Emotions

R.A.I.N. is an acronym for what to do during a difficult time.

You can begin by focusing on your breath to enter a meditative state.

This practice can be done in 10-15 minutes as a sitting meditation.

It can also be done on the spot in just a few minutes once you get the hang of it.

Let’s take a look at the four simple steps in the R.A.I.N process.

1. R - Recognize

Here we are recognizing what emotions are coming up.

In this process, we move away from identifying with our emotions to observing them.

For example, instead of “I’m angry”, we might say “I feel angry”.

Or instead of “I’m scared”, we might say “fear is present”.

This is a subtle but powerful difference.

It helps us to see our emotions as they are.

Not fundamental parts of us, but as things we experience.

Not as things that happen to us, but as things that happen for us.

2. A - Allow

Often, more than one emotion occurs at any given time.

That’s okay.

We are simply allowing those emotions to be present.

Pain is inevitable.

Suffering, on the other hand, occurs when we resist pain or grasp at pleasure.

Here, we’re doing neither.

We’re simply watching the emotion be there.

3. I - Investigation

This is a somatic investigation, not a cognitive one.

RELATED: What Is Somatic Therapy in London Ontario? Coming Home to Your Body

In a cognitive investigation, we might look at why a situation happened to us.

But in a somatic investigation, we’re asking: where in my body do I feel these emotions?

If it feels too strong, then you can touch the edges of the emotion.

You might consider what colour it is or what texture it has.

This enables the emotions to feel listened to.

When these feelings come up, your emotions are knocking at your door.

If you don’t invite them in for tea, then they might break down the door and mess up your house.

But if you offer them tea, sit down, and listen to them, they will often leave once they feel heard.

4. Nourish with Self-Compassion.

Here, it can be helpful to put your hand on your heart, or where you feel the difficult emotion.

This soothing touch makes a big difference and sends a signal of calm to the nervous system.

Then, you can repeat phrases to yourself that you would say to someone you really care about.

This can be someone important to you (human or animal) who is having a difficult time.

You might say to yourself phrases like, “it’s okay, this is difficult, I’m here for you, you’re safe, this feeling won’t last forever.”

After doing this for a while, you can tap into that sense of common humanity.

You can send compassion out to all beings across the world who are feeling this way, knowing that you’re not alone.

Book Your Appointment with The Witch’s Therapist Today

Are you processing some complicated emotions?

If so, I hope this practice can be helpful.

But if you’d like some further support in this process, The Witch’s Therapist is here to help.

The journey of self-healing is the most important one of our lives.

It’s what enables us to help others.

I’m here to share skills to help facilitate that, empowering you to learn how to recover from trauma and to move forwards post-traumatic growth.

We offer free 15-minute introductory sessions.

During that session, I’ll listen to your concerns, answer your questions, and together we’ll decide if this is the right fit for you.

You may have felt these big emotions for a long time, but you’re not alone.

We’re here to help.

Book your FREE 15-minute intro session with The Witch’s Therapist today.

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The Witch's Therapist
609 William St. #101
London, Ontario
Canada
N6B 3G1
1-226-977-1660
► London Ontario Holistic Psychotherapy

The Witch's Therapist is located in London, Ontario and offers holistic psychotherapy therapy throughout London and surrounding areas.
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