Navigating libido mismatches in relationship
Dear Justine,
My partner and I are struggling with mismatched libidos. I have the higher libido, and when I come on to my partner, they often feel pressure to accommodate me, and I don’t want that; however, I feel rejected when they tell me no. We are in a bad cycle of resentment, and I would love some tips to get us out of this.
Dear Questioner,
Mismatched libidos are one of those most common issues couple’s have, and at the same time, one of the most challenging issues to resolve. Because we tend not to have open communication about sex, resentment about mismatched libidos can live in silence, festering. You described the cycle very well: the higher libido partner feels guilt, resentment and worry over ‘forcing’ their partner to meet them where they are at. The lower libido partner feels pressured, also guilty for not being able to meet their partner’s needs, and fearful every intimate touch is going to turn in into a sexy situation they don’t want. This ends up poisoning even casual intimacy between couples. Does this sound like you? I have some tips that might help you.
Take sex completely off the table for a couple months. Sounds crazy right? Hear me out. You need to re-establish safe intimacy in your relationship. Safe meaning that the higher libido or lower libido partner can initiate touch without there being the ‘pressure’ that it must lead to sex. Have long kisses. Make out. Get naked and talk and caress each other’s bodies just to enjoy the closeness. Hold hands while watching tv. Give each other massages. Learn to enjoy being sensual again with the pressure to be sexual. Learn the difference between Spontaneous Desire (SD) and Responsive Desire (RD)!
SD means you can go from cold to hot hot hot without a lot of previous stimulation. This might look like one partner rolling over in bed and saying ‘do you want to have sex?’ out of nowhere. Some people may be able to find their desire in that situation, but many cannot. RD is much more common, especially in lower libido folks. RD means that you have to stoke the fire for a while before sex, like planning intimate time and getting excited about it, sexting in advance, having a sensual bath together first to warm up. Doing lots of sexy kissing and caressing before moving on to more intense play, always with ability to say ‘no’ and stop in safety.
These are just a few ways of addressing mis-matched libidos! There is also addressing stress in your lives; understanding the importance of context for sex, and learning how to a) be a safe person to say ‘no’ to, and being a person who is confident saying ‘no’ when you need to…among other issues. If you are interested in working on mis-matched libidos with a professional, book a free 15 minute consultation with me.
Justine Barre
Sex Educator and Intimacy Coach
The Witch’s Therapist
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